Tag Archive: anxiety

Oct 21

There is no crying in baseball

My girls saw ‘A League of Their Own’ on the way to New York last week. And we have been throwing that line around a lot as a joke: there’s no crying in homework, there’s no crying in laundry, there’s no crying in cancer…. Oops, there is plenty of crying in cancer. Except that somehow, …

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Oct 17


Alternative Title: How to give a Cancer Patient a 2-day Panic Attack Tuesday, 3:58 phone call from hospital Radio-Onco Appointment Giver: Hi, I need to give you an appointment for a CT scan Thursday ME: Oh, there must be a mix-up, I had it last week. I’m supposed to have markings next. ROAG: No no, …

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Sep 10

So that was a big bucket of fuck

Man, that was not a good day! For the record, it only got worst, ending in a mild panic attack at bed time…. The lovely operator at 311 told J. that I should not in fact chase my sleeping pill with a Xanax, but an Ativan would have been ok. Sadly I had none, so …

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Sep 09

The calendar of doom

**warning, this post contains a lot of self-pity, aggravation and general moodiness. please do not respond with rainbows and puppy dogs, I will kick your ass. I’m serious** You see that calendar? It’s on the fridge. Every week when I come home from chemo, we scratch out the 2/3 lines for that day. We were …

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Aug 07

on finding light

I went out to dinner last night to celebrate A’s bday (one of the very few people I would leave the house for, with wig on, after normal hours!) and a mutual friend who is a spiritual yogi told me what I needed was more light around me. If you know me at all, you …

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Jul 04

12 weeks

Tomorrow, the next treatment phase starts: Taxol. At some point, I was mis-informed or mis-understood the protocol: I was expecting 3 weeks on, 1 week off, 12 treatments over 16 weeks. Somehow, that one week off was giving me a little hope, a tiny perk to look forward to. I had thought of heading down …

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Jun 20

It’s the Unpredictability that gets me

Round 1 was OK. Round 2 was worse, but not in the way I had expected. Round 3 was The Pits, but only after giving me false hope of being ok. And now Round 4. The truth is, I didn’t have time for Round 4. I was busy. I packed up our cottage after we …

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Jun 08

The S-words of Cancer

Cancer starts with C, but it should start with S, because everything else to do with cancer seems to start with S: Scabs, Scars, Stubble.  And I seem to deal with these in the shower, which also starts with S. I just took a shower. It’s a horrifying experience every time. I know what I’m going to …

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Jun 06

I have nothing to say

I keep starting posts and erasing them. Writing FB status updates and not posting them. Essentially, they all sound like this: I feel like shit. I want to do stuff but whenever I start I (pick one): get tired, get dizzy, get nauseous, forget what I was going to do. My days consist of: watching …

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Apr 12

the waiting game

I was supposed to see the oncologist next Monday, to figure out if need chemo or if tamoxifen will be enough. But they called to move it to Wednesday. 48 hours is not a lot. Except when you are waiting to take a deep breath and hopefully move on.

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