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Nov 14

We All Fall Down

I can’t believe it’s November 2015. Where has my life gone?

I know you all expect superhero cheery happy posts from me. But seriously. My husband has been in the hospital since January 4th, except for a few weeks in March. He has now been in the ICU for about 13 weeks. People think I work there. I get staff discount on the gross cafeteria food because the cashier thinks I’m an idiot who forgets her hospital ID. Nope, I’m just a visitor who is there EVERY SINGLE DAY.

There are ups and downs, steps forward and steps backward. The problem is, everyone is so fucking optimistic, but I just can’t be. It’s not that I don’t want things to go well. Seriously, I want nothing more. But I just can’t find a way to believe anymore. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I wake up at 3 am almost every single day. In a panic. I think of all the things that could happen, all the things I have to remember to do, all of things I won’t get around to. And then the tears come. Do you know what it’s like to have no one to talk to when you can’t catch your breath and you just want someone to tell you it’s going to be ok but there is NO ONE THERE…

So yeah, I’m not nice. I don’t call people. I don’t answer texts. What do you expect me to say? I have nothing to say. It’s a fucking never ending nightmare.

but I have decided one thing: I am not putting on a brave face anymore. I am not being civil and polite anymore. If I have to live through this shit, I will be 100% honest at all times. Feel free to unfriend me, because I have lost ALL of my social graces

EDITED TO ADD: nobody is going to read this because the world is burning and nobody cares about my stupid life and that is totally ok. I just need to get the feels out of my body and onto the pixels

 

18 comments

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  1. Social worker

    You don’t need to be brave and you don’t need to lie. Those closest to you will see through it anyways even if you tried. There are no answers or even words of solace that could comfort you even and especially at 3am. Perhaps your husband is awake then too-thinking and wondering the very same thing…it’s the unexpected and all the unknowns that scare all of us and result in panic stricken moments. Do what you need to do to get through them – write things down even if it might help, write until the tears come and write some more and write while you scream so loud you could burst inside but don’t because you don’t want to wake your children…and then throw it out and try and get some sleep. Because you need it. Because you don’t know what tomorrow will bring. I don’t know you but met your husband briefly while he was hospitalized. Your raw emotions are so tangible I felt compelled to respond. Thoughts and prayers are with you.

  2. Lala

    I read it. I don’t know how you lasted this long

  3. Rivkah T

    I’m here. I’m reading. I wish so hard that things were better.

  4. Meg

    I have no words. I wish I did.

  5. Sandra

    Thinking of you and were wondering how you were getting on after the move. Saw your post and feel helpless. I never expect you to be a super hero or upbeat just brutally honest. Wishing you a complete and peaceful night’s sleep.

  6. Jean

    I don’t know you but I do care and I think you are totally heroic. There is nothing harder than watching someone you love suffer. The mix of guilt, compassion, love, and resentment is overwhelming. That you’ve held it together like this for so long shows that you have the heart of a lion and a will of steel. I wish you all the best.

  7. Debberoo

    So sorry V, so sorry for all of you. It’s too much, for too long and you have no control over it which is so incredibly difficult. Don’t waste whatever energy you have left on a “brave face” it’s not your job to protect others from your pain and those who love you don’t want or need you to, they know you are in great pain and exhausted no matter how great of a job you have done of being “strong”.

    I’m sorry V xxx

  8. k

    You are in a war right now and doing what you have to which is perfectly acceptable. I am so sorry.

  9. Alex L

    I have nothing to offer except prayers and virtual hugs. What’s going on in the world right now matters less than what’s going on in your world right know. It doesn’t matter how f***ing strong someone is, this crap will wear anyone down. I am just so very sorry.

  10. Kate

    Sensing you love. Share whatever you need to with us!

  11. Anna in Turin

    V, you don’t have to be nice to anyone but to yourself, your daughters and your husband. You have been to hell and back and are now back in hell fighting to get back out. I can only say “I get you” but I don’t really because I have not lived your nightmare nor am I living it ….. I wish I could just hug you and get drunk with you while watching 80’s movies. <3 to you and the family.

  12. Wendy

    I’ll be here–vent away. I have no expertise, but I make no judgment (because that would be hilariously hypocritical!)

  13. Lise

    Sending many warm, positive thoughts from the west coast of the U.S.

  14. Kelli

    I’m reading, too. You are carrying an impossible load. It is completely understandable that you would be exhausted. If those near you don’t understand, then that is their problem. You should not have to put on a brave face for anyone but your daughters and your husband. And please be kind to yourself first.

  15. mo

    I was a long time follower on Mortimer’s Mom. I thought about you and looked you up. I am so sorry all of this has been going on. Just the name of your blog tells me you are going to be just fine. In the midst of a long rough patch youcan size things up and use words that defy your exhaustion. My family recently had to “Occupy ICU” and I cannot fathom doing it for the length of time you have done it. I really appreciate your brutal honesty and hope that Karma, God and/or the Universe cuts you and your family a big miracle or even a big break.

  16. Ellie

    You don’t have to be nice to anyone.
    And the things happening around the world don’t lessen what is happening in your life. Love to you from DC!!

  17. 3CMm

    Everytime something goes wrong in my life, I think of you and what you four are going through. And how you do it and are coping. I honestly don’t know how you do it and how you were even nice to people at all. I wish I could help in some way. VENT and vent away. Its healthy and you need to. Sending all the positive vibes I can from rainy old England!

  18. Jasmine

    Just want to say I think of you often, love you and miss you. For the rest, I am speechless… and admirative of you holding on. xxxx

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