Jun 16

Fear factor

UPDATE: the IV worked, she kicked up to 44,000 this morning. still need more, but she’s ok. Diagnosis by process of elimination: ITP.


I thought I knew what fear was.
I was pretty scared the first time my husband spend a week in the hospital and I was alone with my newly adopted second child who wanted nothing to do with me.
I was pretty scared when I was in the room when my mom took her last breath.
I was seriously fucking scared the day the beeper rang and my husband went in for a double lung transplant. And then got pneumonia and spent 13 days in the ICU.
I was really seriously fucking scared when I found out my one stage 1 tumour was in fact two stage 3A tumours.

But you know what? Take all of those, put them together, multiply them by a hundred and you still won’t get to the fear I experienced on Friday. My youngest, who is an athlete and though and the sunshine of our lives, has been bruising something fierce. Not just the bruises from her double flips at diving. Black and blue bruises that make it look like we beat her. They just show up, no explanation.

We made an appointment with her doctor last week but then we postponed it because my husband was sick (again) and we couldn’t swing both appointments. We finally took her this Monday and her doctor recommended we get a clotting test, just to see. We took the test at 8 am on Friday, expecting results in 5 to 7 days. By noon they called us and asked us to bring her to the children’s hospital to see a hematologist, stat.

Her platelets were so low, she was at risk for internal bleeding.
That, my friends, is fear.
We still don’t know exactly what is going in. Probably ITP. Hoping ITP. Because the other options I don’t want to think about.

Meanwhile today she is having a four hour IV treatment. In the oncology day unit because that is where they do such things. Getting the IV into her little bruised arm took two nurses. She screamed and cried and I felt like the worst mother in the world for having postponed the appointment last week. If only we had gone, maybe we could avoided this….

This is fear like I have never known before.


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  1. Nance

    fuck, I really hope NJ will be okay. I am sending her love and good emotions.

  2. Liz


    I am really hoping for ITP. I am really hoping for a stellar response to treatment.

    I am really hoping that someone in charge tells you that delaying sou;d not have made any difference, and you are a wonderful mother and made the obvious, sensible, right choice with the information you had at the time.

    I really really really wish that the fucking cloud would just blow the hell away from you and your family.

  3. Liz

    would. Would not have made a difference. Or Could. I might have meant either one.

  4. Sam

    I never comment on here for fear of blurring those invisible teacher/ mommy lines, but as I sit here crying, I can’t Not.
    I love that kid more than you know. Hoping and praying.

  5. Tracy

    Thinking of you right now! Praying hard.

  6. Doris

    Holy crap! Wishes for good results and less black and blue for your girl.

  7. Helaine

    I am sending you lots of good vibes. I love N.J.

  8. Elise

    I know that fear, I’m so sorry. Thinking about you guys and wishing for the best possible outcome.

  9. Meg

    Oh I’m so sorry. I’m praying for ITP.

  10. Steph

    So sorry to read this and have my fingers crossed for good results. Thinking of you.

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