Last thursday, Dr. Movie Star met me in a freezing cold operating room and finally took out the expanders. He replaced them with small implants. I do not know what size. Everyone is asking me how many CCs. I don’t know. I guess I’ll ask when I see him on Wednesday. The truth is, it doesn’t matter. I have tiny boobs. I don’t care.
The surgery was very quick and I was home in the early afternoon, thanks to the special care of M and S who both came to the hospital, got me dressed and filled my prescription for Morphine pills. Then I climbed into the Blue Chair of Recovery, where I stayed until my ass got completely and totally numb, about 3 days. The only time I got up was to pee, because I was under strict instructions to stay hydrated to flush out the anaesthetic. In case you are wondering, it’s still exactely 12 steps from the chair to the toilet, which is still funny to me.
The entire weekend revolved around timing the medication. Morphine pills are slower acting than Dilaudid. Both are constipating. So it was a lot of 1 green, 1 orange, 2 senekots. I also have to take antibiotics to prevent infection, plus my regular pills, some of which require taking with food, but I wasn’t hungry.
On Saturday afternoon, I had a burst of energy when the local reporter who interviewed me in December emailed me to say Lainey had asked about me at her book reading downtown. I knew she was coming, but I just didn’t think I would make it. Except hearing that she publicly asked about me, I had the girls help me put on leggings (yes, I left my house with leggings-as-pants) and had jay drive us downtown to the book store. She saw me from the corner of her eye, brought me on stage and took this picture, then told me to get the fuck back to bed. She swears a lot. That’s why we are friends.
So I did, I went back to resting and watching TV and movies and a little cross stitching. I am so very very bored.
Today I had to go out for a medical appointment. This required me to wear clothes and walk through the hospital. By the time the appointment was over, I was completely and utterly exhausted and in pain. So I brought out the big guns. No, I didn’t snort pain killers. I brought out chocolate pudding. Chocolate pudding has magical healing powers. But it must not be overused. You have to keep it in your back pocket until you REALLY need it. Today is the day. The kids are at school, the house is empty and I’m bored and a little sad and uncomfortable. So the Chocolate Pudding is the next step to recovery.
For those of you wondering about the pain, it’s regular surgery pain, as in ‘someone cut into my skin’ pain. The horrible pain from the expanders is gone. I can lie on my back and not feel like a toddler is sitting on my chest. I can touch my chest and it feels normal, squishy, not hard as rocks. I’m told it will take a good 6 weeks for the implants to settle, the swelling to go down and the full results to be evident. Like I said, I don’t care. I’m curious to see who the scars turned out, and I have to ask how long I have to wait til I can tattoo something cool on there, but the implants, they are of no consequence to me. The expanders are gone, and I’m thrilled about that.