I hate the way my body looks now. It is riddled with scars, disfigured, mangled. I close my eyes when I walk into the bathroom, shower with my eyes shut and don’t open them until after I’ve at least put on a shirt. When I met Dr. Movie Star in January and he told me I could in fact get the DIEP reconstruction, I allowed myself to imagine my body without all the scars. I looked at endless before and after pictures of women who had similar surgeries. I let myself ‘go there’, imagine what I might look like….
What was I thinking? I mean, this is ME we are talking about. Things don’t work out for me. We are the people who have to have our kids’ birthday parties during Shivas or at the palliative care center. We are the people where one person is home post-surgery with her arms pinned to her sides and drains in her abdomen while the other finds himself with pneumonia in the hospital during Passover. We are not the people who can have the fancy surgeries with bonus tummy tucks.
This is what is going on: my husband is having some pretty serious complications from his lung transplant. Serious enough that we have to start managing risks. Serious enough that for me to have a 12 hour surgery and an 8 week recovery period is not an option. I’m not talking about making lunches and driving kids to lessons, I know we can hire/get help. I’m talking about making sure that one parent is alive.
So I cancelled the big fancy surgery. It makes me very sad. I’m upset with myself for letting me thing I could have it in the first place.
PS: the first person that tells me that scars tell a story or that I am beautiful on the inside etc gets punched in the face. just so we are clear on this.