Aug 07

on finding light

I went out to dinner last night to celebrate A’s bday (one of the very few people I would leave the house for, with wig on, after normal hours!) and a mutual friend who is a spiritual yogi told me what I needed was more light around me. If you know me at all, you know that I am not the light-seeking enlightenment type AT ALL, but what she said resonated with me deeply.

The truth is, the last month was really hard on me emotionally. Everyone always calls me ‘strong’ ‘tough’ ‘a survivor’ and let me tell you, that puts an awful lot of pressure on someone NOT to admit it’s not going well. The latest news, about the lymph-nodes making radiation necessary, knocked me for loop. Since this whole thing started, I have NEVER considered the chance of a recurrance in the first 5 years. I know it’s kind of dumb, but it had never occurred to me. The other young women I know who have/are going through this have mostly been Stage 1, with surgery and Tamoxifen. And the only people I know (in real life) who have had a stage 3 with surgery + chemo + rads are older women. So I guess I just put myself in the first category and didn’t really think about it.

The girls have been home from camp and we have been ‘training’ for the Big Walk. Today, we went up on the mountain and walked on the path in the urban forest. And for the first time in months, I felt a bit of light shining in. We enjoyed ourselves. I would say I didn’t think about being sick but that would not be true because when we climbed the 70+ stairs and I literally was dragging my sore legs and huffing and puffing while they were running back and forth and waiting for me, there was absolutely no forgetting how sick I am, or at least how totally beaten my body is. But there was light. And light is good.