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Mar 19

That did not go well

saw the plastic surgeon this morning. was REALLY hoping he would take the drains out, at least 2 of them. I’ve heard every story: some had all drains removed the first week, some 2, some none. I thought I was doing so well, draining so little, I was totally going to be one of the special ones who had all 4 removed. I was going to be free.

I am not. I still have 4 drains. and now no bandages covering the scars. I am ‘supposed to’ put polysporin on the scars and drain holes before showering, then shower, then pat it all dry and put a little gauze on the drain holes with tape, just to keep it all clean. Repeat every 2 days, see you next Wednesday.

I told the surgeon I am mentally blocked at looking at my body, my scars, and ESPECIALLY the drains coming out (the bottle and fluids don’t bother me, but the holes, the tubes…. I want to throw up just typing about it). I told him that. He had no time. He’s a VERY nice surgeon, but compassion and feelings are not his thing. He did agree to switch from one pain killer to another, to ‘ease’ the discomfort since the drains are staying. Then he left. And we went to the pharmacy to pick up said prescription and polysporin.

And i started to cry. And I can’t stop crying. I knew this would be what would get me. The taking care of the scars and such. I knew it. I had abdominal surgery 12 years ago that was not disfiguring, and I found it next to impossible to look at the staples down my stomach. I know what mastectomy scars look like. I have been preparing myself. I am not ready. I cannot do this. Don’t comment and tell me you know I am strong and I can do it. I can’t. This is the line for me. The one I cannot cross. I helped my mom with hers and it did something to me…. I can’t do it. And now I’m sitting here and I realise I didn’t make a plan for this and I don’t know what to do.

I thought the drains would come out and I could just sit there and let the water fall, without looking.