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Dec 17

a big giant F-you to 2016

this year man….. the world is a giant clusterfuck, and yet, 2016 doesn’t want to give me a break, all the way to the last second.

These days, I cannot avoid reading my ‘Memories’ on Facebook. I know I should just skip it, but I can’t. It’s a day-by-day reminder of the last days of my husband’s life. The public posts, of course, but really, the private ones, to my dear friends to whom I poured my heart out once I got home late at night. As upset as I was, there was a part of me that foolishly thought that the death part was going to be the hardest. That we would somehow grieve, heal and find a new happy.

ha. ha. fucking. ha.

Clouds. More Clouds. Little Clouds. Big Clouds. Dead dog clouds. High school admissions clouds. Car Broken Into Clouds. And finally, one more giant Fuck You: not making the team cloud.

That last one….. I didn’t see it coming. Frankly, no one saw it coming. Even 5 minutes before the meeting, while I was biting my nails and looking green, one of the other moms told DiverGirl ‘don’t worry, if there is ONE kid who doesn’t need to worry, it’s you’. She meant well. But deep down, there is a little part of me that wishes she hadn’t said that. Because with us, it’s ALWAYS the bad outcome.

An hour later, as all the parents were processing the news, I found myself crying in front of people I barely know. I couldn’t help myself. I wanted to get up and go cry in private but I couldn’t even move. I was stuck to that yellow bleacher and I couldn’t move, so I just cried in front of everyone.

It’s been a couple of days and frankly, I’m still crying. For this, but also for everything. For the holiday season that is upon us and that we REALLY don’t feel like celebrating. We would like to avoid it and just go away, but even that we can’t do. So we’ll just be trying our best to get through it, with lots of kleenex and Netflix.

I know I said this every single year: I hope next year will be better. But seriously.