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Oct 24

Blame it on the cold

In the last couple of days, I find the hours after the kids go to bed to be more painful and lonely than usual.

I mean, I’m used to it. I’ve had no one to talk to after 9 pm for 2 1/2 years. But when the cold comes, when it’s super dark outside, somehow, it’s worst.

Last night, for the first time ever, I was scared. Lucy our very-elderly dog was crying because she is in pain from old age, so I was up at 2 am, petting her. And I heard a noise. Every 19 seconds (I timed it). ¬†it wasn’t coming from inside the house, as far as I could tell. Something outside my bedroom. It wouldn’t stop. And because I couldn’t figure out what it was, it worried me. ¬†Everyone on our street knows, I’m the widow with the 2 girls….. For the first time, I felt not safe. For the first time, the loneliness was also tied in with fear.

I can knit myself socks to stay warm alone at night, I can Facetime my friends to keep me company, but when a strange noise keeps me up and the dog is crying – it’s just me.