In the last couple of days, I find the hours after the kids go to bed to be more painful and lonely than usual.
I mean, I’m used to it. I’ve had no one to talk to after 9 pm for 2 1/2 years. But when the cold comes, when it’s super dark outside, somehow, it’s worst.
Last night, for the first time ever, I was scared. Lucy our very-elderly dog was crying because she is in pain from old age, so I was up at 2 am, petting her. And I heard a noise. Every 19 seconds (I timed it). it wasn’t coming from inside the house, as far as I could tell. Something outside my bedroom. It wouldn’t stop. And because I couldn’t figure out what it was, it worried me. Everyone on our street knows, I’m the widow with the 2 girls….. For the first time, I felt not safe. For the first time, the loneliness was also tied in with fear.
I can knit myself socks to stay warm alone at night, I can Facetime my friends to keep me company, but when a strange noise keeps me up and the dog is crying – it’s just me.