Jun 02

the non-milestone

5 months.

There is no card for ‘your husband/dad died 5 months ago’

5 months is not a thing. It’s not a milestone number like 6 months or a year or 5 or  10 years. It’s just 5 months.

Except this 5 month anniversary comes on the heels of so many end-of-school-year things: a Glee show, an award ceremony, and an upcoming diving competition, another theater show. And a very important grade 5 Generations to Generations school activity. Where people had parents and grandparents and magical fancy objects smuggled out of Poland or gifted to them by Tzars.

We had a paper egg-carton from my grandfather. On my mother’s side. My dead mother. Who wasn’t there. Along with me dead husband. My dad was there, of course. But that was it. Me, my dad and my 10 yo with her paper egg-carton.

So here we are. He died 5 months ago. I have a job and I get shit done and we are coping. But whenever the Facebook Memories or Timehop pop up on my phone, there is that moment. That oh-my-god, I used to think it was SO hard for him to be sick all the time…. except that he was here. And no matter how hard that was, it was so much easier than him NOT being here.

Here is something I haven’t really ever shared before, except to a few close friends….. It was SO HARD to take care of him, and yes, there is a part of me that was relieved that part was over. I don’t miss him-as-a-patient. I don’t miss the hospital visits and the really demeaning things I had to take care of. But I miss him as my buddy, the funny dude, the organizer, the loving dad, the devoted dog-walker. He was such a good guy. When he was good, he was really good. THAT I miss.

Last week, Eldest had a thing that required me bringing paperwork. 85% of it I had in my email. But 15% was on paper, filed in a folder, in a box. For the life of me, I could not find it. He would have found it – filing was his duty. Instead, I had to find who I had share that document with, and then beg them to please scan it and send it to me. He would have found it in 5 minutes.

5 months. It’s not a thing. But to us, it is. It’s a heavy non-milestone.
There is no card. It’s just been 5 months since our husband/father died.