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Apr 10

the downs after the ups

Last week, I got the best medicine of all – a 4-day visit by one of the people I hold dearest, who came here with her own daughter, ¬†with the sole purpose of spending time with us. Everyone had a great time. There was so much giggling and laughter in the house. It really hit me hard – this house has not been a happy place. We moved here in extremely difficult circumstances, J. never stepped foot inside, the only time this house was full of people was for the Shiva. As a matter of fact, my friend was the first person to sleep here, except for the kids’ sleepovers. We’ve been here 6 months, it doesn’t feel like home, at all.

And then she went home. And we all spent the day napping. Yes, we were tired. But also, it hit us hard, being alone again. We’ve always been people who enjoyed entertaining at home. Not just me. US, as a family. he loved to throw a big BBQ together, the girls loved having everyone in the pool. Those days are gone. We miss him, but we also miss the people around us.

I’ve always been particularly fond of ‘Falling Down Blue’ by Blue Rodeo, but the first 2/3 of the lyrics really are speaking to me today:

“Falling Down Blue”

Everyone tells me I’m lucky
Got my whole life to live yet
I can’t say they’re wrong
But the days seem so long
Living inside of my head

Maybe I’ll get some relief now
Now that your things are all gone
I won’t sit here staring
At nothing all night
Bleary-eyed greeting the dawn

All right I miss you tonight
And I’m not really sure what to say
It keeps rolling in like a slow moving train
It gets harder and harder each day
Each time I think that the worst of it’s through
I am stopped in my tracks by some vision of you
All right I miss you tonight
I admit that I’m falling down blue

His things are not really all gone. They are still everywhere. I took over his nightstand and his part of the closet just so it wouldn’t hit me in the face every single morning, but I just put it all away as keepsakes for when the kids are ready to sort and look through. It’s just not the first things I see when I wake up.
Today was one year ago that we told the girls he was in rejection and needing a second transplant. The doctor who told us this news was not the regular doctor, and told me at the time that J. would not be with us a year from that day. Everyone told me not to listen to her. And yet here we are…..

1 comment

  1. Maggie

    Just now catching up with your blog after losing track during a few challenging years of my own. I am terribly sorry to read about your husband’s passing. The aftermath and what you’re going through now financially is inconceivable. Please accept my sympathy as well as my wishes for things to get better with the day-to-day stuff as you and your girls work through these initial stages of grieving. This long-time reader but virtual stranger will be thinking of you and sending you warm thoughts and positive energy. I wish that was enough to take away even a tiny bit of your pain. I’ll be cheering you on from Toronto.

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