On Monday, I went back to work. Part time, 3 days per week. In theory it should be ok. In practice, making it work, with the elite diving schedule and 2 elderly dogs at home, it’s like playing Tetris on crack.
Here’s the thing: I wasn’t looking for work, I didn’t think I was ready. My psychiatrist, therapist and GP certainly don’t think I’m ready. But my bank account is screaming that I am overdue. My kids’ feet keep growing and the damn internet is expensive (I fired the housekeeper. I am NOT cancelling the internet). Now, my dear husband, bless his heart, was a super positive guy: Everything Was Going to Be OK. That’s what he told me, a thousand times. Well, let me tell you, everything is most certainly not ok. Death is ugly. Death and Estates is even uglier. And if people don’t have your best interest at heart***, well then it’s REALLY ugly. So we’ve made adjustments: cash only, no more eating out, no shopping, etc. But at some point, the only answer became going back to work. And lo and behold, out of nowhere, someone I actually really like and respect called me and said ‘listen, this might work…’ So I ditched the Pajama-Jeans and found a couple of business-casual outfits and voila, I am back in the work force. I didn’t even have to explain my 14 month absence from the work force and the interview didn’t once adress my dead husband.
Everyone keeps telling me I am setting a great example for my kids, that they will remember this as a great turnaround for all of us. But right now, I still see it as a pile of undone laundry, frozen chicken fingers, dog accidents in the middle of the living room, and one kid eating dinner alone… OK, so my proof-reading skills are still ‘On Fleek’ and I caught a bunch of stuff on day one, and I think I might actually have something to contribute. But a huge part of me feels like I am failing my kids. There is no way J. would have wanted this for us. But he couldn’t bring himself to think of the minutia of dealing with ‘after’.
So I’m doing my best. I’m working and showing my girls that even when you get punched in the stomach, kicked in the balls and slapped in the face all at once, you get back up and you keep going.
*** let me clarify that there are people who are trying to move mountains to help me and the girls and I am SO GRATEFUL for their help, support and hard work. I understand that estates are complicated and death and taxes take time. But I also understand that I need to feed my kids and put gas in my car.